Death by a Thousand 'Cats': Review

Yes, I actually watched Cats — because I am a masochist who subjects himself to pain and suffering because of unresolved childhood trauma that resulted in self-loathing and punishment.That is the only reason why I would understand why any audiences would willingly endure the one hour and 49 minutes of torture that is Cats.
Don't be fooled by the A-list cast or Broadway pedigree of the source material. This movie is as bad as you fear it is. The costumes will haunt your dreams, the songs will leave you clawing your ears, and the plot will leave you scratching for answers until you realize there is no plot and life is but a meaningless march towards death by a thousand cats.
Somehow Andrew Lloyd Weber's classic musical about felines auditioning to be granted another life worked on stage, enough to make it the fourth-longest running broadway show ever. The movie on the other hand feels like the fourth-longest running movie of all time — in that it simply never ends.
By now you're probably well aware that Taylor Swift, Judi Dench, Idris Elba, Jayson Derulo, Ian McKellen, James Corden, Jennifer Hudson, and Rebel Wilson all committed career suicide by agreeing to take part in this nightmarish production. What you probably don't know is that those are just a few of the cats who grace the screen during the movie.
You'll also meet: Mister Mistoffolees, Mungojerrie, Rumpleteaser, Skimbleshanks, and Captain Growl Tiger. And trust me, just reading that list of names was more entertaining than a single frame of the entire movie.
And that's the biggest disappointment. After reading all the disastrous reviews, I was excited to see Cats ー it seemed like something so bad it just might be good or, at the very least, fun. I expected the movie to join the ranks of The Room, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and The Twilight Saga as cult classics that will spend decades keeping audiences ironically coming back for more.
But no ー Cats is absolutely zero fun. It's boring, confusing, lifeless, and lazy. Usually a movie like this would have put me straight to sleep, but unfortunately the images playing out in front of me were too horrifying for my body to allow itself to submit itself to slumber. Instead, my poor eyes stayed pried open for one utterly forgettable, a-melodic song after the next.
However, I'm happy to report some good news: The movie is bombing at the box office, making just $6.5 million in its opening weekend, meaning most people are staying strong and not submitting to this Hollywood hellscape. Which is good news because if this movie did well at the box office you know we were just one green light away from the Cats cinematic universe bringing us sequels and spinoffs like dogs, birds, and ferrets.
Which is why I'm giving Cats one Max Godnick cat head out of five.
I was tempted to give the movie a zero out of five, but try as I might to kill them all, I just couldn't get rid of that one pesky cat head ー just like I still can't get rid of the lingering sense of death, dread, and despair that's stayed with me from the moment I exited the theater and is now sure to last me nine lifetimes.
The holidays can be stressful enough ー do yourself a favor, and don't see Cats.
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